Welcome back, everyone, to your favorite game show: Unnecessary Game Show Themed Column! Today, we have our 12-time defending champion, Sheila, facing you, the Reader. It's very meta, which adds to the fun. Sheila, it says here you own a bakery in Schenectady, New York.
"That's right, Jack. And muffin's going to hold me back from winning this show!" [crowd groans]
Sheila, your puns are insufferable. But let's move on. As you know, this show takes pretty much every game you've ever known, steals their formats, and mashes it all together into one fun time. Today's topic: Fantasy Baseball. Sheila, you look surprised.
"I...er...don't know much about that topic."
Such is life. Onwards and upwards! Let's get to the game!
"I'll take 'Who Am I' for 200 points."
I am a rookie pitcher who played in Japan for five seasons before joining an American League team. I currently have a 3-0 record with a 2.68 ERA, 1.27 WHIP and 28 strikeouts in 37 innings. Who am I?
"I know this! Yu Darvish!"
Sorry, Sheila, that is wrong. Reader?
That's correct! Chen spent five years in Japan's Pacific League, never having an ERA above 3.00. And 100 bonus points to Reader if you can guess his ERA in 2009.
Correct again! Impressive in any league! For an additional 500 points, Reader, can you tell me how many leagues Chen is owned in?
Right again! This is exciting. Chen's ERA is slightly higher than Darvish's 2.54, but his WHIP is markedly lower than Darvish's 1.46. Darvish almost doubles up Chen's strikeout total and has more wins, but Chen has flown under the radar, making him a far better Fantasy option than some players owned in more leagues: Francisco Liriano (40 percent), Bronson Arroyo (41), Phil Hughes (41), Clay Buchholz (65) ...
"Wait ... so why are people ignoring him?"
Sheila, I just ask the questions, I don't answer them. But hey, you're up again. Roll those huge styrofoam dice in front of you in a comically inept manner ... and oh! Three and five make eight!
"Mike Montgomery -- his name is the only one whose first and last names begin with the same letter?"
Judges? Oh, sorry, Sheila. Good guess, but not the answer we were looking for. Reader?
Jason Bartlett is the only player in that group currently in the major leagues.
Correct again! Bartlett's star hasn't shone very brightly in a while, but he has averaged 21 steals over the last three years with a .272 average. This year, however, he has taken a step back, hitting just .135 with no steals. He has been playing rather sporadically, and, with Everth Cabrera hitting .328 and leading the PCL in steals with 14, it could be time for a desperate owner in a deeper league to maybe stash Cabrera on the chance that Bartlett doesn't see the end of May.
"What's an Everth?"
Susan, I can't help you there. But it's your turn to play PLINKO!
"I get to guess prices of household products and then drop discs down a board to win money?"
No. You get to rank these pitchers for the rest of the season: Paulino, Lincecum, Isringhausen, Niese, Kuroda, Ogando.
Lincecum, Niese, Kuroda, Paulino, Ogando, Isringhausen
Right you are, Reader. You're giving Lincecum the benefit of the doubt, even in light of whispers about his health and decreased velocity. You're then recognizing Niese's 1.22 WHIP and the fact that he really had just one bad start, against Houston on May 1. Kuroda should eventually return to something close to the pitcher he was in Los Angeles -- in his last three starts, he's quietly begun that turnaround, giving up just five total runs. Paulino can get your team a ton of strikeouts, but he's got an erratic ERA and WHIP history. Ogando has been pitching brilliantly in relief for the Rangers, and there's always a chance he could contribute with an occasional save or possible start at any point. And Isringhausen, although he hasn't gotten into the mix just yet, is always capable of closing a game here or there.
"Can we maybe mix in some 19th Century Art?"
I'm sorry, Sheila. Not today. But you do get to guess owned and start percentages of some players in our leagues. Ready?
Great. Let's start with Juan Pierre. .340 average, five steals, 12 runs scored in 88 at-bats. Over or under 20 percent?
Oooooh, I'm sorry, Sheila. He's only owned in 17 percent of leagues. And started in just 10. Let's try again. Michael Pineda. No stats. Out for the season with a shoulder injury. Over or under ownership in 30 percent of leagues?
I'm sorry, Sheila, this just isn't your lucky day. Pineda is owned in 34 percent of leagues. The judges tell me they're assuming most of these are keeper leagues.
"What's a keeper league?"
"You want me to say the guy with the same letters for first and last name again, so I'm going to say Pettitte."
I'm sorry, Sheil--oh wait. You said Pettitte. You're right. The man who hasn't pitched yet this season for the Yankees -- but will have by this weekend -- is owned in 45 percent of leagues. Duffy, meanwhile, a fellow lefty, is owned in 34 percent of leagues. But while Pettitte and Duffy could conceivably end up with a similar ERA (the judges are saying we have to give the nod to Pettitte for WHIP), Duffy is good for a strikeout per inning, while Pettitte likely won't end up anywhere near that.
Reader, I almost forgot about you! It's your turn to select a category.
I like 'Who Am I'...maybe for 600?
I am ranked 12th in the majors with seven steals, even though I've only had 50 at-bats.
You are correct, Reader. Campana has more steals than Maicer Izturis, Hanley Ramirez, Elvis Andrus or Alejandro De Aza. For 1000 bonus points, can you name the player tied for 12th with Campana, who has had just 31 at-bats?
Correct again! Although he had six steals in April and hasn't stolen a base since May 4, the White Sox outfielder has as many steals as Campana. Sheila, what percentage of leagues is he owned in, for 2500 points?
Is that a guess?
"I meant to say 'who?'"
Rickie and Jemile
You are correct again. Alfonso (48 percent) and Rafael (47) lose to Rickie (96) and Jemile (76). Although those numbers may change if Jemile continues to slump and Rafael works his way into some saves in the Yankees bullpen. Next question: Roy Halladay or Matt Holliday: who has more Fantasy points so far this season?
Yes. But it's closer than you might think. Halladay has 122 points, Holliday has 95 in standard scoring. Bonus question, Reader: Who has more points, Halladay or James Shields?
Correct. By one point.
"You guys are nerds."
Thank you, Sheila. You have lost.
Reader, for our final round, you'll be asked a series of questions. For each one you get right, I give you 500 points. Ready?
I am fifth in the majors in doubles. Also, I am not Mike Moustakas.
Correct. Alonso has 11 doubles and is hitting .292 for the Padres. He is owned in 44 percent of leagues.
In four minor league seasons, I hit .324 with two-double-digit home run campaigns and three seasons of 24 or more steals. I am currently hitting .333 with two home runs and five steals.
Yes. Altuve had an ADP of 286. Can you name the players taken at 268, 278, and 281?
Correct. You're on an amazing run here, Reader. Are you ready for one last question? For 10,000 points?
Yes I am!
How many strikeouts did Matt Moore have in 497 minor league innings pitched, and how many innings will he be limited to this season?
700 strikeouts, giving him a K/9 rate of 12.67. And the second part is a trick question. Moore is not on an innings limit.
Right and right! Amazing work here. You're our big winner! And I have to ask -- how did you know all these answers?
I looked them all up as you asked them. I'm the Reader, dude.
Oh ... well that doesn't seem fair. But rules are rules. You win a collection of Fantasy Baseball 360 cups. In blue and red! Congratulations!
Thank you so much.
Anytime, Reader! See you all next time! [blows a kiss to the crowd as Reader excitedly plays with his new set of cups]
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